Simple Things

Ideas flying

Crazy thoughts, faraway dreams.

What will become real?

KEB 10/14/15

Time Passages

Yesterday marked the year anniversary of my dad's death.  In many ways it feels like just last week rather than last year, making me painfully aware of just how quickly time flies.  When I look back at my posts here as well as my own journaling, I realize that time really is the overarching theme in my life right now, with the majority of my thoughts being about how I spend what time I have.

I am definitely one of those people that lives up to the rule of the more one has to do, the more one gets done.  My personal dilemmas come when considering the list of things that I "have" to get done.  I spend an enormous amount of time on prepping for teaching my classes.  You would think after doing this for thirty years that I would not have to spend much time preparing, but each class is different and requires different things from me.  And, I'd get terribly bored doing the same things over and over again year after year.  Although, if I did that, it may make it feel like time wasn't passing so quickly!  Hmmm...

For the first time,  I am starting to think about what it might be like to retire, not because I don't like what I'm doing, but because there are so many other things that I would like to do and simply don't have the time.  As it is, I function on minimal sleep, which I know is not good for me.  Short of more hours in the day, I just can't do it all.  Then I have to start making choices regarding which of the things I want to do can get done and which ones can''t.  I don't like making these kinds of choices!  As Weber will tell you, it frustrates me and makes me really grouchy.

I trust that the solution to my time issues will come with much serious soul searching.  Everything will be as it should be when it should be.  Hopefully this will happen while I still have time for all the things that at this moment are simmering on the back burner to actually come to a full boil.

Recently, I did take one step toward doing something that I have wanted to do for a long, long time and have kept putting off because of...TIME!

Ever since I took the first semester of music history some thirty five years ago I have been passionately in love with the music of the Renaissance.  Sadly, the clarinet repertoire does not contain any such music:-)  All through graduate school I played recorders and crumhorns in a Renaissance consort and loved every minute of it.  Back then, I had this unrealistic dream of someday learning to play the lute.  That certainly wasn't going to happen while I was getting my theory degrees, or raising two kids, or teaching, or...and the list of reasons goes on as has time.  A few years ago I started thinking that learning to play the classical guitar was a more reasonable and perfectly acceptable alternative to learning to play the lute.  Mostly that thought swam far below the surface of my everyday thoughts, bobbing its head above water only every now and then...until a few weeks ago when it started to do the survival float.  It was right there on the surface all the time.  I have learned never to ignore this kind of nagging thought.  I did some research and ordered a guitar.  It came in on Friday.

I am excited to learn how to play, but I think the important lesson for me here is to return to that state of being a beginner, taking everything slowly and carefully and appreciating every little accomplishment no matter how small.  No longer does everything I do need to be about perfection or even being "good enough."  It is about pursuing lifelong dreams before it is too late.

I have no desire to be a great guitar player.  My goal is to simply be a happy person.

Peacefully playing

One at a time, a few notes.

Harmony will come.

KEB 10/17/15

Fall and Incompetence

After what has seemed like an unnecessarily busy week, I finally had a few minutes to stop and take in what is passing at the moment for fall in Texas.  Though it is still hot, the trees are starting to lose their leaves.  The leaves themselves aren't the beautiful yellows, oranges, golds, and reds like can be seen on the east coast, but if you catch the sun and the brown leaves at just the right time of day, the setting sun helps to give the fallen leaves a bit of color.

Here is another hint of fall.

One of the things that has made this week so stressful is having to deal with agencies and people who seemingly are incapable of doing their jobs.  Let's just say that the Delaware Division of Revenue is totally incompetent.  I got a letter about six weeks ago saying that they were missing one of dad's tax payments for 2014.  I was 100% sure that that was not the case.  I tracked down evidence of the missing check that they had indeed cashed, sent them a letter pointing out the error of their ways and of course included a copy of the check.  This week, I got another letter from them saying that the issue had not yet been resolved.  This time I called and spoke to a reasonably helpful person who told me that they had received my letter and the situation had been corrected.  BUT, she noticed that there seemed to also be a problem with dad's 2013 taxes.  A quarterly payment was missing there too.  What?  I said to the woman that there had been no correspondence about this issue in over a year.  How could there possibly be a problem?  Again, she told me that I would have to produce a check...from 2013, way before my dad even got sick.  WTF!  I was bound and determined to find a copy of that check.

Fortunately, my dad was very organized and methodical in his record keeping.  Sure enough, I found his record of payment and called the financial institution and they are sending me a copy of the check with the Delaware Division of Revenue deposit stamp on the back.

How in the world can the state division of revenue lose two checks from the same person two years in a row?  That is totally unacceptable!  I am not one whose thoughts normally go immediately to seeing the worst possible scenario, but it almost feels like they realized that dad was deceased and were banking (no pun intended) on the fact that I wouldn't be able to produce the necessary documents and would thus have to pay (again) the amount they said was owed.  I wonder how many people have been forced to pay tax bills that they didn't really owe because the tax office "lost" their payments?  

Thank you dad for being so organized!  I was able to find everything that I needed.  I have learned an important lesson from you regarding keeping all those statements and check registers!

Though things are under control now, I was not at all pleased to have to deal with all of this.  My week kind of felt like this chaotic mess of spider webs.

Thankfully it has all ended on a sweet note.

And tomorrow is Friday!!!

In Search of Peace

Lately I have found a few moments where my body is still,  but in that physical stillness, my mind continues to race furiously onward.  In fact, my mind seems even busier when my body is still.  This cycle of never being at peace has been tough on me this week.  It seems that for every step that I have taken with the hope that it will bring a little calm, there is a stronger force that pushes me backward and my frantic mental movement continues.  This is not a good place for me to be.  I realize that I am trying to do to many different things, all of which I enjoy, but taken together cause my actions, thoughts, and intentions to be disjunct and unfocused.  Something has got to change.  I'm not sure what, but something...

Thoughts On Time

Time, invisible

Yet touching everything.

It leaves a deep scar.

KEB 10-07-15

An Object Lesson

I don't like it when the universe feels the need to teach me a lesson somewhat subversively, but that is exactly what happened today.  For no reason that I can identify, I managed to leave the house this morning without my phone.  I realized this about half way to school.  On most mornings, we could have turned around and run home to get it, but today the traffic was terrible.  Weber would have surely been late for school had we done this, so somewhat reluctantly, I said that I could do without it for today.

This should have been no big deal, right?  Not too long ago, no one carried phones around and the world continued to function.  I know that I don't use my phone for as many things as some; I do still keep a paper calendar.  However, I am more tethered to it than I wish I was.  Just how much so became painfully obvious today.

Here are all the things that ran through my mind today as I made peace with the fact that I would be phone-less

• What if a student texts me regarding class?  If I don't respond, they will think that I am ignoring them.
• I won't have my clock.
• I won't have a metronome.
• I can't check my email.
• I can't take roll in class.
• I won't get the text alert if we have "an incident" on campus.
• I'll have to walk home without being able to call for help if anything should happen.
• I won't be able to talk to Weber at lunch.

How ridiculous are all these concerns??  Well, except maybe the one about campus emergency alerts.  I am embarrassed to admit that these were real thoughts for me today.  And to top it all off, this thought also crossed my mind, "Boy am I glad that I don't use Apple Pay at Subway on campus.  At least I can still get a diet coke!"

As it turned out, when I got home and was reunited with my phone, I had had a text from a student saying that he wouldn't be in class and asking for assignments.  He is a student who is never absent and I was a little worried when he was not in class this morning.  I apologized for not responding sooner.  I think I was more concerned about that than he was.  Other than that, I managed just fine.  Today made me think about the fact that I rely too heavily on my phone for way too many things.  I have definitely been left with some food for thought.

Since we missed our midday conversation, Weber and I shared our day after we got home from school 

while we watched the newest resident of our backyard.

Optimistic Tuesday

Despite the fact that we are two weeks into fall according to the calendar, the weather here has not gotten the official word.  Temperatures are in the 90's and the summer annuals are still in full bloom.  The oak tree has dropped a few leaves, so I am being optimistic that sometime soon fall will arive in more than name!

If you are interested, here is the link to today's Tuesday in Texas post on Pixels, Plates, and LOLs.  Tracey and I are sharing on thoughts on morning people vs. night owls.