I Do What I Do

I love to watch the twists and turns that life takes - especially the funny ones. Before I share my latest observation with you though, it is necessary to begin with a short prelude.

I am not a person who likes to "toot my own horn". No pun intended considering I am a musician. I have a hard time writing resumes, telling about myself in those "group bonding" situations, writing bios for theatre programs - anything that involves trying to make myself look good, or interesting, or qualified. I love to respond to the statement, "Tell me about yourself." by saying, "I am what I am and I do what I do." This puts the burden of someone getting to know me on them rather than on me. Passing the buck; I love it.

Back to this week's twists and turns. On Sunday evening a local photographer who donates his time and expertise was to come and take head shots for the lobby display for The Nerd. He failed to show up. I was asked to do the pictures. I have done many of the action shots for DCT productions, but never the head shots. To be honest, I do not ;like to take this kind of picture. I much prefer candid photography. Nonetheless, the pictures were needed so I took them. They were not bad considering I have no real experience or affinity for photographing heads. The production staff was pleased with the results. I guess that is what is important. They were, however, upset that the original photographer had been given a credit, as well as free advertising, in the playbill. This made me laugh because now he is being credited with the work of an amateur. That will teach him to blow off a gig!

Tonight, three days after the original picture taking session, the director decided that she wanted a group shot of the crew after all. She asked if I would take it; I gladly said yes. The irony of this is that I have one of the bigger crew jobs for this show, prop mistress, and I am not in the crew shot because I was taking it. I know; I could have used the delay feature on my camera but that was too much trouble tonight. The deal is that the only reason this picture was even necessary is because there was an empty space in the lobby display. It had nothing to do with wanting to have a picture of the crew.

So, I have done all of the photography for which someone else is credited. And, I have been a big part of the crew but am not part of the picture. I have melded into the background. Believe it or not, this is the way I like it. I don't feel slighted in any way. In fact, as I said earlier, it makes me laugh and laughing is good.

So as we move toward opening night on Friday, I will continue to lurk backstage in my all black, setting props, making food, covering actors in cottage cheese (you have to see the shoe), cleaning up messes, and remaining happily in the shadows.

Contentment Or Apathy

When Erin was in second grade, we taught a unit on folktales to her class. This project culminated in reading Katherine Patterson's The King's Equal. After reading the book, we turned the story into a dramatic presentation. The wisdom of this story knows no boundaries.

Here is a brief synopsis:
"A selfish, conceited prince is tormented by the dying words of his wise father, the benevolent king: "You will not wear my crown until the day you marry a woman who is your equal in beauty, intelligence and wealth." Raphael's vanity prevents him from finding such a bride until an unknown maiden appears at the palace. Sent by a mysterious talking wolf, Rosamund dazzles Raphael with her beauty, her intelligence (she is the first who recognizes his loneliness) and her wealth ("There is nothing I desire that I do not already possess"). However, she refuses his proposal of marriage, pointing out that, by his own admission, she is more than equal to him; his task is to earn her love."

Lately I have been haunted by Rosamund's description of wealth. I think that it is beneficial to have a heart to heart with yourself every now and then and ask the question, "What do I want right now that I do not have?" Interestingly, I don't think that this is a context where the word need can be substituted for want. I suspect that at any given point in life there is always something we need (a root canal, an oil change, to lose a few pounds, a new hair style), but are these things we want? More often than not, an intense want is much more damaging to our soul than an equal need. I recognize that maybe my perspective here is biased by the fact that I believe that God will provide for all of our needs. Wants, at best, are open to negotiation.

My point here is that if you find yourself wanting nothing, is that a sign of apathy or great wealth? My entire life has been a series of setting and meeting, and setting more and achieving more goals. This, for sure, is a means to keeping oneself on the move, but at what cost? When you are constantly reaching for something more, are you ever really aware of what you already have? And, if having "it" is not enough, why did you want it in the first place?

Life is a journey. None of us is stationary. We are constantly moving, constantly changing. Do we need to be constantly acquiring? There is a cliche that says, "he who dies with the most toys wins." Wins what? Maybe he who dies with the one toy that he has truly enjoyed wins. One who understands simplicity, in my book, is the winner. Think about it for a minute (or more if necessary), if you could only have one "toy", what would it be?

I would have to answer this question with "my camera". Pictures can tell the story of our lives. They can also tell the story of the lives we wish we had. They allow us to preserve, assuming we are watching in the first place, all the wonderful moments in this life. From these pictures, thoughts and words flow. When all of these things converge, the story of our self emerges. To reveal our true self and to allow this self to live the life it is destined to live should be our primary goal.

Another reason that i have chosen to answer the above question with "my camera" is that this is a place where my rampant perfectionism does not reveal its ugly head as often as in other places. I want to take good pictures, but good is relative. In many instances, the picture I thought I was taking was not the picture I took. This is God revealing to me what I should be looking for in the world. Maybe the camera lens is a tangible eye of God.

I would love it if those of you who lurk out there would share your "toy" with us by commenting.

I have strayed from the point I thought I was making here. Back to the question of apathy verses contentment. Right now I am at a point where there is nothing I really want. This creates a great sense of peace in me. I think it is peace. I don't think that I am apathetic, but because the question has surfaced, I guess I need to consider it. And so I will, I'll let you know what I figure out.

Toys R Not Us

I remeber the first time I stepped foot into a Toys "R" Us store. It was not when I was a child but when I was pregnant with offspring No. 1. Once I had passed the point in the pregnancy where all I did for weeks was sleep and puke, it became obvious that the kid was definetly staying with us and that we had better do something like buy a crib and a few of the other things that a baby requires. (They do not need all the crap that the stores make you think that they do!) We took a trip to Toys "R" Us.

The store was filled with small children screaming because their mommy would not buy them the 10,000 piece Lego set, the kid negotiating for the remote control car for which he was $50.00 short (assuring dad that he would mow the lawn all summer long, "I promise"), and all the pregnant women who looked like they needed to make a quick dash to either the restroom or the hospital. As I stood staring at cribs, strollers, and high chairs, I remeber looking forward to the time when I would be able to shop for real toys.

I was surprised by how little time cildren actually spend playing with toys that come from the toy store. There was the Christmas that Brooke wanted a Tonka fire truck and a Lite Brite, the one where Erin wanted the Little Tykes kitchen, and the year they both wanted pogo sticks. Then there was the summer that Brooke was fascinated with toy horses. She had the stable and a pasture full of horses but no one to ride them. On a summer afternoon we headed to Toys "R" Us to look for an appropriate rider for the horses. We looked with the horse stuff - there were dolls that were too big and dolls that were too small. Unlike with Goldilocks, there was none that was "just right". With a frustrated five year old at my side, I suggested something that I never thought would come out of my mouth, "What about a Barbie? (This still makes me cringe.) At the top of her lungs Brooke screamed, "Barbie won't work; she won't spread her legs!" Shhh. Don't tell Ken. Oh wait, he was more interested in G.I. Joe. Anyway, let's just say that the horses in Brooke's pasture remained free of a rider. I'm not sure we went to this store more than once or twice after this - not because we were banned, but because the girls quickly outgrew these types of toys. They moved on to books, and books, and more books. They also liked (and still do) any type of puzzles, art supplies, and the dreaded video games. The point to all of this is that I have not been to Toys "R" Us in eight or ten years.

One of the props that I am still missing for the show is Cornish game hens. For some reason, Hobby Lobby does not have plastic ones in their section of fake food with which to decorate. Go figure. On the way home from church this morning, I had the bright idea to stop at the dreaded toy store. Surely with all of the play kitchens and dishes they must have a realistic looking plastic game hen. Imagine my surprise when I failed at this mission. I did, however, make some observations while shopping the fake food aisle.

• Green plastic must be rare. In an entire row of plastic food, the only vegetable was an ear of corn.
• Not only does that fast food industry control children's eating habits, it has also infiltrated their playing habits. You can now buy boxes of plastic food to make a Pizza Hut pizza, the complete McDonald's menu right down to the chocolate shake, and a Subway sandwich. (I stand corrected on the green plastic. The Subway box did contain a piece of iceberg lettuce. Whew! I am relieved.)
• The shelves did not have many pots and pans, rolling pins, wooden spoons, cooking utensils, but they did have a toy microwave to reheat your leftover (Pizza Hut) pizza. I guess this is preparing those toddlers for college.
• French fries come with everything.
• Chickens are all legs. I thought for sure they would have a miniature plastic turkey that would read from the audience as a game hen. I guess Fisher Price does not want to traumatize our children by giving them headless birds to play with. It is much more comforting to give them only the ripped off limbs.

I hope that I do not have to venture into these parts again soon. Who really enjoys subjecting themselves to the craziness of Toys "R" us? My actions today were the result of a desperate woman!

Thank goodness for Internet shopping. Should I ever have the need to buy toys again, it will be amazon.com for me. And just so you know, my Google search for "plastic game hens" resulted in "No matches found." I'm sure I would have better luck with Lego or Lincoln Logs.

Thoughts About Food

I am working props for another show, The Nerd. Unlike The Laramie Project, this show is prop intensive, requiring a huge amount of food. Some of the food is actually eaten by the actors so we will prepare the real thing each night. In other cases, it is only the illusion of the real thing that is necessary. That is where the fun comes in.

It is a challenge to figure out ways to create "food" that looks real and will sustain for the run of the show. First, spaghetti with a family heirloom sauce.

20 yards natural colored yarn (Red Heart works best) cut into 12" pieces (spaghetti length.)
8 yards sauce colored yarn cut into 12" pieces.
spray adhesive

Mound a third of the cut pieces of natural colored yarn on a plate that has been sprayed with adhesive. Spray generously. Add another third and again spray adhesive generously. Place the last of the natural yarn and again spray. Carefully place the sauce colored yarn on the mound of "spaghetti" being careful not to have stray ends. (You don't want to have runny sauce.) Garnish with Parmesan cheese, if desired. Spray the entire meal with more adhesive. There should be no chance that the spaghetti will find its way to the actor's lap.



Macaroni salad, a lot of it, is central to this show. Here is the secret recipe.

64 oz. uncooked elbow macaroni
"Mayonnaise" - 8 oz. school glue (the cheaper the better; it is best if it dries white.)
"Pimento, carrot, and celery finely chopped" - 1 sheet each red, green and orange construction paper
"Lettuce" for garnish - 1 package spring green tissue paper

Cut lettuce leaves from tissue paper. Crumple them so that they resemble real lettuce leaves. Spray large platter with adhesive. Form lettuce garnish around outer edge of platter. Mix 4 pounds of uncooked macaroni with 8 ounces of school glue until all pieces are covered. Mound in center of platter. Using a single hole punch, make pimento by punching around all four side of a 9X12 piece of construction paper with holes three deep. With orange and green construction paper, chop celery and carrot using a comb binding machine. Make four cuts in each sheet. Mix all vegetables. If necessary, spray mound of macaroni with adhesive. Carefully add vegetables making sure that they are distributed evenly. Serve any time in the next decade.

I have to admit I had fun figuring out what to do for these props.

We do need real apples and deviled eggs each night because the actors have to really eat these things. Another piece of food that actually gets eaten is garbanzo beans. The problem with this one is that the actor who must eat them does not like garbanzo beans. So, I must come up with a visually convincing substitute that he will eat. My first thought was some kind of peanut butter ball. That is kind of cruel. Have you ever tried to deliver clear, crisp lines with a mouth full of peanut butter? Plan B was balls of cut and bake sugar cookie dough. They would taste good, but there is the refrigeration issue. I finally settled on KIX cereal. This works great on stage. The only problem here is that the cast and crew keep snacking on the cereal backstage. If they eat the whole box of cereal we will be back to real garbanzo beans!

Every show I work on I learn more about what goes on in the theatre. I also learn what things I really enjoy doing. Someone said to me tonight at rehearsal that maybe my niche is fake food. Erin was quick to agree. I wonder if the subtext there was the fake stuff she makes is better than the real stuff! Surely not.

Blow Dryers And Butter Knives

Appliance repairmen are notorious for never showing up when they say they will. "I'll be there between 12 and six." They show up at 7 and charge you extra because it is after hours. I am fortunate to have a reliable repairman who is here when he say he'll be here. This morning it was 8 am sharp.

He had been here a few weeks ago and had to make a return visit after ordering a part to fix the automatic water dispenser that was not working on the refrigerator. The only problem, to install the part, the fridge had to be completely emptied so it could be tilted forward. So I set my alarm early to empty the refrigerator's contents. Even more impressive than that, BK set her alarm and came down to help me. Have I mentioned lately how much I love my friends? This forced emptying was a much needed opportunity to remove all of the science experiments that had made their way to the back. It was fun trying to figure out exactly which vegetables turn blue and which ones turn green. And, how long can you keep tofu before it is unrecognizable? Actually, it was not so bad. The experiments were not good enough to earn me a Nobel Prize.

As we dug deeper, it suddenly dawned on me that nothing that we were taking out was actually refrigerated. The shredded cheese resembled queso . . .liquid. Definitely not a good sign. When I opened the freezer, it looked like a replica of Glacier National Park. All the way down the back and pooled in the bottom was ice, solid ice. This too was not a good sign.

Thinking he was just replacing some worn tubing, Mr. Repairman, Darryl, had to deal with the ice in the freezer and the heat in the refrigerator. It is now 8:10. This day is off to a great start! He made all the necessary mechanical repairs. He then said, "That is about five gallons of water frozen in there. It is not going to work properly until all that is melted. I suggest that you get a bunch of towels and a hair dryer. I hope you don't have any plans this morning."

So, armed with a hair dryer, every clean towel I own (which is quite a few since for once I am caught up on laundry), and a butter knife that was masquerading as a chisel, BK did battle with my freezer. She spent an hour holding the dryer and breaking off chunks of ice with the butter knife while I sopped up the dripping water. Darryl gets paid $75 an hour; our time, priceless.

Now I have about fifty pounds of soaking wet towels and a working refrigerator with dispensing water as well as a glacier free freezer. I will forgive Darryl for being here at 8.

Good friends will often show up to help you blow dry your hair for a special occasion, but it is a great friend who will show up in your kitchen early in the morning to blow dry your freezer! I love you BK!.

Our Daily Bread

The line in the Lord's Prayer says, "Give us this day our daily bread . . ." This is most often understood to be a prayer for physical nourishment. What if we think about it literally - literally bread made fresh daily.

Early yesterday morning I made a quick trip to the grocery store to stock up since we had been out of town. This kind of trip usually involves buying soy milk, fruit, and bread. As I was heading for the bread aisle, I decided that I was not going to buy bread; I was going to make it. I have no real schedule to keep right now so I can indulge myself and everyone else around here with homemade bread for toast and sandwiches.

This afternoon I reached for my Tassajara Bread Book and thumbed through it for a bread that fit the bill - basic but tasty. I settled on oatmeal bread. It has been some time since I have made bread, and I have never made this recipe. Usually I dive into a recipe and feel my way as I go. For some reason, I chose to read all of the front material before starting. Because this book is written by a Zen Master, every detail of every step in the process is treated as sacred. I enjoyed reading about how all the ingredients interact with one another, what is important in the kneading process, why each detail, no matter how small it seems, is important in the overall process. By the time I started making the bread, I felt that I was doing so much more than just baking bread.

This particular bread starts with a sponge made with water, yeast, sweetener (your choice of honey, molasses, or brown sugar) and flour. The sponge proofs for 40 minutes. At the end of 40 minutes, I was thrilled to see that the sponge had overtaken the entire bowl. In that moment, I realized that all was right - the yeast was fresh and the water temperature was not too hot or too cold. At this point the rest of the ingredients, salt oats and oil, are added. (The salt is added after the sponge is proofed because salt inhibits the function of the yeast.) Now the bread must rise for 50 minutes or until it doubles in size. Again, I was amazed when the bowl was full of batter after this rising. Punch it down and let it rise again. Now form it into two loaves, place it into oiled loaf pans, and let it rise again for 25 minutes. Make slits in the top to allow steam to escape and finally it is time to put it in the oven and bake it for an hour.

This was not a quick process, but it was satisfying. Most of us do not get to witness the creation of something from start to finish on any regular basis. I was consumed by this process that took all afternoon. From start to finish, this bread took five hours. This was not a time to want immediate gratification. I realized during this time that I truly enjoyed participating in each step. The attention to detail from stirring 100 strokes to kneading for 10 minutes, to allowing the bread to rise long enough to double in size are all important to the outcome of the bread.

I could have bought bread at the grocery store yesterday and all would have been done. We could have had a sandwich immediately. But, it was a great gift to be able to make the bread. While I was thinking about this, I began to wonder if I would feel this way if I had to make bread every day. Would it then become just another chore? The same is true of knitting. It is something that I enjoy doing. How would I feel about it if the only socks my family had to put on their feet were the ones I made. There would be a great deal of pressure to knit quickly so that everyone would be warm - especially the kid who is going to spend the next four winters in Chicago!

Everyday tasks are the bulk of most of our lives. Moments of ecstasy are few are far between. I believe that this is intended to teach us to savor every moment of every day. The sacred is present in all things and in all places; we must be open to seeing it. Whether it be folding laundry or baking bread, it is important to realize that each step, each detail of the process is as important as the next. It is in acknowledging the interplay between all things that we begin to understand our own place in the world.

In some things that we do, we may be like the yeast, an integral ingredient that is only seen in the early stages of creation, or we may be the loaf of bread that feeds the hungry. Whichever the case may be, we are a sacred being. The loaf of bread is not possible without the yeast and the yeast has no purpose unless it is united with the other ingredients in the creation of the bread.

Right now I am blessed to be the one eating the bread!

Winners And Losers

I just finished watching this year's Tony Awards. I must say that having just returned from a week on Broadway, I was more engaged this year than I have ever been before. Spring Awakening, a show that I did not see, was clearly the winner tonight. There were several nominations from shows that we saw, but if I remember correctly, none came out on top. As I considered what we had seen and what won, I began to think about the process of determining "the best", not just the best in theater, but the best in anything.

The message that prevails in this world is that if you are not the best at whatever it is you choose to do, then you are not "good enough"- whatever that means The reality is that only one (or possibly a small few) can be at the top of any venture. Does that render the rest of us meaningless? If so, we have a whole world of pointless people. How absurd is this?

We watch championship ball games and talk about winners and losers. My family watched as the Dallas Mavericks experienced a terrible upset in the first round of the NBA play-offs. I can say that we were disappointed as I am sure the Mavericks players were. And yes, they did lose the series. But should we really call them losers? What did it take to even get to the play-offs? A great number of successes. Each of these players along with thousands of other young boys dreamed of being a professional basketball player. A handful of them realized this dream. The fact that these players were even in a position to "lose" makes them winners.

We see the same type of quantification as we watch Olympic events. "So and so had to settle for a silver medal." Settle? Why not be proud of that accomplishment? Second in the world; what a failure! What message are we sending to our children here?

No one can always be "the best". But, we can all strive for and be "our best". If we live to be the best we can be at whatever our gift is in life, the world will be a much happier place because we will be free of the anxiety that comes with discontent. Living up to our individual potential is the greatest accomplishment for any of us. Always needing to be the best, the expert, the all-powerful, is the quickest way to unhappiness, not to mention madness. In a nutshell, we need to learn to be happy with who we are and what we are. If we are truly happy in our own skin, we are our best. We can attain nothing greater than unqualified contentment in life. When we are happy, we have the capacity to set higher goals for ourselves and have a real chance of achieving them.

To those who received awards tonight, Congratulation. To those who received nominations, Congratulations. To those who dream of one day singing on Broadway, Congratulations. To those who are happy singing in the shower, Congratulations. And to those who are happy just listening, Congratulations.

To steal a phrase, be all that you can be . . .and you too will be a winner.