Royal Flush

I have considered writing on this topic many times. I can resist no longer. What are people thinking when they talk on their cell phones in public restrooms?

Today while at school I heard the most ridiculous comment while in the ladies' room. A student in the stall two doors down was talking, at full volume, explaining how she was in the restroom having this conversation because a girl in her class was listening to her every word. Hello - has this girl never experienced the acoustics of the tile-covered bathroom? I too could hear every word she was saying without even trying to eavesdrop. Maybe it is only mothers of toddlers, who explain biological function at the top of their lings while in public restrooms, who truly understand the physics of lavatory reverberation. At least in today's case, the girl confessed that she was indeed in the bathroom.

It is the people who are carrying on conversation in which they make no mention of the fact that they are in the restroom that drive me crazy. Personally, I don't really care where they talk but I often find myself faced with the dilemma of "to flush, or not to flush". Maybe I am too considerate. Should I disclose this person's location by flushing? Should I wait until they are off the phone? What if it is a long conversation? What if it is obvious they are doing business on the phone? Do you really want to know that your realtor is handling the sale of your home while sitting on the commode? I don't. Here are some phrases that will clue you in to the fact that your friend on the other end may indeed be on the pot:

• Can I get back to you when I finish the paperwork?
• Let me get a handle on it and I will let you know.
• It is a relief to be sitting here talking to you.
• This is the only place where I can get peace and quiet.
• I wonder what that funny sound was.
• Damn, the paper roll, I mean paper tray, is empty.
• This must be an automatic flush. . . Oh, it's an online poker term.
• For a good time call . . .I don't mean that I a not having a good time talking to you. I am just reading.
• I am getting tired of reading six month old magazines. (This one may be a little deceiving. Your friend could be in the doctor's office so don't jump to conclusions.)
• From my perspective, the best advice is shit or get of the pot.
• Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to fasten a button with one hand?

Remember, no one wants to know all of your business. Consider your surroundings before answering your cell phone.

This message brought to you as a public service announcement by concerned citizens for ethical flushing.